Notice the Water You're Swimming in

The environment we immerse ourselves in has a massive impact on our day to day lives, and who we fundamentally are as a person. Our environment shapes us, at least to a certain extent.

As the old quote goes:

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most of your time with”.

From our early years, our environment has such a foundational impact on us. Our parents, siblings, close relatives, friends, teachers and locality. These ‘nurture’ years massively impact our future and who we go on to become.

“Every child is one good adult away from being a success story”.

It is clear our environment affects us in these early years, but what role does it play as we age?

Our Environment as an Adult

When we are teenagers and young adults we don’t consciously (at least I didn’t) think too much about how the people close to us and their behaviours affect us on a daily basis.

However, with age, hindsight and further education I grew to be a lot more mindful of who I let into my inner circle. You notice the people who are constantly complaining about minor inconveniences, those with victim mentalities, the consummate gossipers and the ones who can’t be happy for others. Even though they seem like ‘nice’ people superficially, their behaviours and attitudes can place a monumental drain on you.

Let’s take John for example. He has just finished college and his friend group are all heavy drinkers who go out multiple times per week. He has gained weight and feels like he isn’t as fit as he used to be or as he would like. He makes a conscious effort to go to the gym daily and eat healthier. However, when his friends notice this, instead of supporting him and cheering him on – they slag him for it. It seems like harmless slagging and ‘lad banter’ initially, but they constantly make digs at him, which finally start getting to him.

“Ah f*ck the gym just be a bit of crack and come on a mad one”. They are likely jealous of the self-improvement that John is making and want him to maintain the same habits as them, so they don’t feel a sense of guilt. If they were better friends, their reaction could be more along the lines of “Ah fair play, it’s good that you’ve noticed a problem and are addressing it” or “Even if you don’t want to drink, you can still join us later for the chats if you want”.

Distancing yourself from these people, although it may be difficult in the short-term, will help you massively long-term.

Unfortunately, it isn’t just something that is seen amongst friends. As adults you will find it everywhere – the corporate world, your family, your gym or hobby, and online of course.

There are times where it is easier to distance yourself from the negativity, such as an old college friend. But what happens when the negativity is coming from inside the room? In the form of a parent or sibling, partner, or housemate. How does one go about handling that situation?

It can be relatively easy to push someone away who you don’t see on a daily basis, but when it is someone you see daily and plays a large role in your life – it becomes more nuanced.

In order to protect my own mental peace and clarity in the past, I have had to distance myself from many people who made me genuinely hate myself – and I don’t use the word hate lightly. Whether this was a close family member, long-time friend, or otherwise. Albeit not easily initially, the long-term gain is so much greater than the initial loss.

How do you notice the water you’re swimming in?

Not that I am an expert by any means, but some advice that I would give:

• If there is someone in your circle who’s behaviour brings you down – try to bring it up in discussion with them. If they are willing to converse, accept responsibility and make a change then you may be able to maintain a relationship with this person.

• If you mention it to them multiple times, but their same behaviour continues – distance yourself, they are not willing to change to support you.

• If there is someone in your circle who is extremely deceitful or a liar – cut them out. Someone who cheats on their partner, steals money, or lies constantly. This is not the behaviour you want to be surrounded by.

• If they can’t be happy for you and constantly try to bring you down, you do not need them. Whether they shit on your job, your achievements, your hobbies, or anything else. If you are allowing someone to be in your inner circle, they should be supportive of you no matter what.

• Don’t tolerate hate in any form. If they are racist, homophobic, misogynistic, or anything else. This isn’t something you want surrounding you an affecting your personality for the negative.

“You will never outperform your inner circle”